by Gabriel Hummel on August 24, 2010

What happens when you pack millions of future chicken nuggets into cramped cages where they eat crap food, have no ability to talk to cute chicas, and toss feces around the room like a bunch of monkeys?

A PETA happy hour?

Nope, but you do get Salmonella!

About half a billion eggs from the manufactures of Hillandale Farms, Sunny Farms, Sunny Meadow, Wholesome Farms and West Creek have been pulled off the shelf faster than a ethnic cleansing version of a GI JOE, and people are pissed. Let it be known that they aren’t, “my American Idol finalist didn’t make it” pissed, but more of the “I want to firebomb your collection of priceless star wars collectables” pissed.

With over 1000 people getting sick so far as a result of these derelict Iowa farm eggs, everyone seems to be pointing a finger at everyone, I am fully surprised that the Catholic Church hasn’t been dragged into this mess.

Experts have suggested that the reason for this over contamination (salmonella has always been present in your “white” eggs) is a direct result of, big surprise, rodents, shipments of contaminated hens, or tainted feed.

Somebody call Sherlock Holmes and end the mystery, who would have thought that the poor living conditions of a homeless person could look like Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous compared to standard McChickens.

So what is the next step in this diabolical plot?

Simple, buy eggs that come from a farm and not from a place where a heroin addict could have a field day with all the growth hormones lying around.

I know that cage free, organic, still vegan angering, eggs are not cheap, but either should be the price of your health.

Will I still eat monkey brains and chicken’s feet when I am off and away traveling in exotic lands?

But of course, but at least I could potentially die of dysentery under far more exotic and in vagabonding foodie style than on my toilet for 3 day sleepover while Desperate Housewives of Compton blares in the background.

My advice? Spend the extra dollar or two for a carton of real eggs while USA bound or just forget about eating them all together.

Over easy tofu anyone?


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