International Talk Like A Pirate Day: My Life Is Now Complete

by Gabriel Hummel on September 17, 2010

What would a pirate do spinwheel

This is the greatest shit I have ever heard of in my entire life. I would likely create gather a caboodle of baby kittens and sacrifice them to Hades if it meant I could be in attendance of said event.

What event has me decreeing my love for the god of the underworld? International Talk like a Pirate Day on September 19th.

No, I did not make this up, this holiday launched in 1996 by two Oregon pals who basically decided that their needed to be an official day of looting ships, drinking excessively, and having unprotected promiscuous sex. It’s like Woodstock, but with fucking pirates.

woodstock pirates

This is my childhood fantasy come to life, what guy doesn’t want to wear an eye patch, dawn a scar over the surface area of his face, carry a massive scimitar, and raid ships while getting piss drunk and having a plethora of prostitutes on speed dial?

There are festivals occurring across the US, from the Outer Banks Pirate Festival in Kitty Hawk, N.C. to the Portland Pirate Festival. I mean shit; those guys are even attempting to set the world record for the largest gathering of pirates, with swordfights and cannon wars. Chop off my leg and sign me up now.

What’s the granddaddy of them all? You can get a 3 night package with round trip airfare to the Cayman Islands (499$) and live the closest thing to laying waste to a bunch of Brits and pissing of the king more than that time they failed at stopping that whole revolutionary war thing.

america guide to being british

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a trip to Hot Topic and Lover’s Lane in my near future, along with a lot of wood and nails that will be juxtaposed to my car in order to have the proper commanding vessel for my soon-to-be-recruited crew from a collection of homeless shelters and strip clubs.



{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella September 18, 2010 at 1:01 pm

LOL bird on shoulder optional? 😛


Gabriel Hummel September 18, 2010 at 3:13 pm


My costume just got that much more cohesive and badass. Gracias Lorraine


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