Whole Foods’ Seafood Labeling Causes Fish Food Orgy

by Gabriel Hummel on September 20, 2010

whole foods seafood labeling

Whole Foods

Whole paycheck

Whole evil seafood purchase

My favorite purveyor of 15$ almond butter, Whole Foods, has introduced a new seafood labeling program that users Fisher Price symbols to tell you how morally acceptable your seafood purchase is.

Want some tuna steaks? You might as well slaughter a newborn kitten

Have a hankering for some swordfish? You might just burn in hell

There is so much satire and irony in this decision; I don’t even know where to start.

The most obvious notion of having to label seafood but not label the ransacking and gutting of football stadium’s levels of cow and chicken is probably the most obvious.

Clearly the best kind of moral virtuosity is the kind that saves the swimmers but takes a hacksaw to the fluffy chickens and oh-so-easily tip able cows

cow tipping

The second and most blaring hilarity of this labeling act is the notion of moral judgment.

Not only am I going to pay 24$ a pound for some yellow fin tuna, but I am going to get a dunce cap put on my head that is coated in whale blubber, nearly guaranteeing a pending attack by whale watchers and PETA. Clearly I am a glutton for punishment and should add insult to injury by joining the fish of the sea in spirit and matrimony in order to become one of them and further appreciate my coming bountiful meal.

kanye west gay fish

The caviar on this mountain of sashimi goodness lies in the physical labeling system. They literally label food with a red sticker that says avoid but yet offers sales on these illusive naughty meats.

Personally I am going to eat every fish in the sea, including the Little Mermaid if she makes her presence known, but I find it hilarious that they still sell seafood that they themselves claim, should be avoided like the plague unless you want to bear the burden of running these fair creatures into the realm of extinction.

Now if you excuse me, I have a scallop stuffed swordfish wrapped in octopus to get back to.

Eating Immorally

Gabriel

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella September 21, 2010 at 8:09 am

Wow, that avoid sticker is interesting! I wonder if they’ll stop stocking it? Or what happens if you want to buy it? Do they point it out to you? 😮

Reply

Iron Chef Shellie September 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

riiiiiiiiight. Well lets just stop eating all together. I think some vegetables are mis-treated too for that fact, so it’s just dust and air from here on end.

Reply

Gabriel Hummel September 22, 2010 at 10:31 pm

@Shellie
All food is poison, lets just fast

@Lorraine
I want to know what happens when they ring up some of the avoid seafood. Does a giant red flag saying immoralist pop up?

Reply

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