America: Land of the Free, Home of the Brave, Lardass Playground for the Masses

by Gabriel Hummel on September 27, 2010

Mcdonalds open early, mcdonalds fatness

Do you love super sized fries?

Do you balk at the mini cokes sold at grocery stores?

Do you fantasize about having a trap door that drops into a pile of chocolate jello?

chocolate jello pool

Then you might be part of the exciting new underactive gluttonous statistic that is sweeping the nation.

A new study recently researched world obesity rates and showed that within a decades time, 3 out of every 4 Americans will be obese.

That is quite the buzz kill for the selected few of us who were told that the cookie diet was going to work so marvelously with our endless supply of coke zero.

This should come as no surprise the majority of you, as America has been on the fast track to fatass-dome for a little over a decade now. Our habitual trips to McDonalds, Cheesecake Factory, and Five Guys have turned us into the next version of the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.


Hell, even if we shot a bit higher and aimed to be like the Michelin spokesperson, we would likely still fall fry to late night binges at Taco Bell for those perfectly awful and oh so delicious Crunch Wrap Supremes.

Now, all the vegans, vegetarians, raw foodists, and general sadists of the world are likely going to post up this latest news bite and subsequently point the finger while yelling, “I told you so” while screaming from their tofu towers.

News flash, you people are still adding to that growing statistic even if all you munch on is Amy’s organic frozen dinners.

amys mac and cheese frozen dinner

What Is the real solution?

Simple, realize that feeding your child a 711 slurpee everyday is likely not going to get him all the necessary vitamins and minerals he desires and enforce a strict policy of cooking some less caloric, though still delicious food.

This will require cooking, so those of you who reside to the microwave every night could be fucked.

For the rest of us non lazy people, I highly recommend a ample dose of fruit and vegetable, combined with a more controlled amount of those things that are oh so bad, but oh so good.

Read: fatty home cooked meals, lavish dinners, Ho Hos, snickers bars, taco bell, etc

You should never have to give these things up; otherwise you might reduce yourself to a all celery diet and a appearance of a rejected haunted house actor.

lame haunted house

We don’t want to be the fattest nation in the world anymore, well at least I don’t. What good is all of our power and capitalistic freedom of our great nation if we all are to fat and lazy to get up and change the channel when Andrew Zimmerman comes on?

The point of this rant?

Start cooking, stop being a lazy bastard, and eat food that you love.

That is all.


{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella September 28, 2010 at 12:56 am

I agree that cooking yourself educates you about what is in food. I’m surprised at how many people don’t cook-restaurant food is always very high in fat and eating it too often is definitely not going to be good for you.


Iron Chef Shellie September 28, 2010 at 5:15 am

awww… that cookie diet isn’t gonna work =( *sniff*

Luckily I love to cook anyways so vegetables and fruit are not a problem! … although I would love some mac and cheese right now. Been craving it for a about 3 weeks now. Will attempt a healthy version soon 🙂


Gabriel Hummel September 28, 2010 at 11:14 pm


Spot on darling


I am still waiting for the cheesecake diet


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