I want to take a moment to express my undying love to Hershey and all of their delicious chocolate goodies.
As a child, I quickly became addicted to chocolate. Like a extremely hormonal pregnant woman, I would rape and pillage many a accosting pantry in search of Hershey chocolate bars, kisses, and anything else that even resembled chocolate.
I must have asked my mom to bake devil’s food chocolate cake with extra extra chocolate for every subsequent birthday from the moment I could speak about my undying love for the rich and velvety texture that is chocolate.
As a man who still buys dark chocolate bars and dark chocolate kisses (I upgraded my eating style), it is truly depressing to hear that the original Hershey chocolate factory will be closing down.
Deep in the heart of Hershey, PA, the factory that helped fuel the worldwide epidemic that is chocolate, has to shut down nearly the entire town in order to remain competitive in today’s lucrative candy bar marketplace.
In addition to laying off 500 workers and forcing yours truly to commit seppuku, they are shutting down Hershey’s Chocolate World, where you can not only ride chocolate inspired rides, but make your own candy bars.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that they are opening a new facility, but it is becoming almost completely mechanized in order to compete with Cadbury company and their ever expanding bunny death grip.
I say we show our undying support for Hershey’s and hold a chocolate eating protest in front of the factory. We could chain ourselves to each other and eat chocolate bars until we cant move anymore. There is no way that they would plow through us with their steamrollers of dreams, hell, they would need to forklift our fat bodies out before they could even think of destroying the place. Who knows how long that could take?
But I digress; long live Hershey and all of their chocolate.
Getting into a sugar coma