6 Tips to Make Your Next Flight Not Suck

by Gabriel Hummel on October 13, 2010

ryan air emergency card for bad airplane rides

You know you are far from an expert at flying and you get all hot and bothered at the notion of racking up tens of thousands of bonus miles while simultaneously living the life of George Clooney, but you have no idea how to make that dream a reality.

Fear not, here are 6 tips that will surely increase your D flight abilities to a C-.

1. Score a window seat

Not only does a window seat allow you to gaze upon the beautiful scenery below while entertaining the idea of breaking the window and going for a free skydive session, but you will have that much more comfortable of a sleep during your red eye.

Think about it, who the hell wants to rest their head straight back into a miserably uncomfortable seat cushion with a screaming demon spawn kicking your seat behind you?

screaming kid on airplane

The window will make for a much better sleeping apparatus, especially when paired with a down pillow.

2. Bring your own snacks

airplane peanuts and bad airline food

Have you fallen victim to one of these airport blunders?

  • Buy food/magazines/drugs in the airport lobby that is akin to Yankee stadium with their price gouging
  • Eat and enjoy those damned 4 peanut packs or half empty coke cans?

Don’t be a sap, bring your own caramelized pecans and bosc pears and leave the shitty cabin snacks to the amateur

3. Make nice with the stewardesses

Unless you’re a dick, you should always be saving face and helping little old ladies carry their groceries into their Mercedes G-wagon. Never has being courteous been as important as when you are flying many a mile above sea level with a generally pissed off crew and irate customers.

Having fun conversation with stewardesses could not only lead you to 1000 bags of those shitty peanuts, but you might even score a first class meal or some champagne for free.

join the mile high club

Hell, you might even pull a James Bond and join the mile high club if you’re really smooth.  Just don’t try any fancy positions when your two steps from jettisoning your ankle during mid air colitis.

4. Read you bastard

If there was ever a better time to finish that Michael Crichton novel that has been lingering over your conscious for the past 14 months, now is the time for salvation.

Michael Crichton the lost world book cover

I know that you are thinking about getting some work done on your presentation about the effects of foreign import taxes on the price of Twinkies, but you and I both know that your valiant efforts would be thwarted by watching some internet porn on your Macbook.

If you aren’t committing lewd acts in the bathroom or having a tantalizing conversation with the English folk dancer sitting next to you, then you should be making yourself more smarter by doing that reading thing.

And please god, do not grab a copy of US Weekly and try to play ball.

5. Don’t be in hurry

I know that as soon as the pilot says that they are getting ready to land you are already stepping on the face of your airplane neighbor in an effort to defeat the troll living in the overhead compartment so you can make sure that you get your luggage just in time to wait in line.

Rushing to get your stuff off the plane and inadvertently K.O.ing the expecting mother seated behind you is a sure fire way to get scornful looks and a boot up the ass by yours truly.

boot in ass

Instead, take it easy and realize that everyone on the plane is equally boned about making their connecting flight to Uzbekistan and wait for all the chaos to settle before you wrestle with the keeper of the bags to the north.

6. If all else fails, grab two beers and get the fuck outta dodge

proper technique exit aircraft

Epic fallback plan, just saying.

Gabriel

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