Halloween: Public Enemy Number One

by Gabriel Hummel on October 27, 2010


Halloween is one of the greatest holidays of the year. There are costumes, candy, and cocktails, what more could you possibly want in order to create a soirée of biblical proportions?

Children get the best of both worlds on this fine holiday, not only do they get to dress up in fun thematic outfits, but they get to fill as many sacks as humanly possible with pounds of delicious candy treats. Sure they might miss out on the pumpkin ales, but who wants beer when you can eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup?

halloween candy motherload

But alas, with the rise of obesity and more children requiring a fat kid scooter in order to get to their perspective place of education, Halloween and its delicious candy is getting a lot of bad rap lately.

The harsh critics of candy and all things innocent and beautiful in the world, say things like,

“A bag (of candy) contains 35 pieces (“fingers”). A serving is considered FIVE (5!!!) fingers. It has 210 calories, almost half from saturated fat, the rest from sugar (about 5 teaspoons worth). But if we divide this by 5, and consume only one chocolate finger – we’re paying only 42 calories, less than 2 grams of fat, and only one teaspoon of sugar. If our kids (and we, for that matter) learn not to gobble down candy, this mini-sized trend may be a good way to enjoy treats without going overboard.” –the Fooducate blog

“Might as well give the child crack cocaine instead” -a parent

“A typical small taffy has about 40 calories, a box of Nerds has 60. Compare that with a 3 Musketeer, which has 63 calories. A snack-size Snickers has 80. As you can imagine, these treats add up quickly! You or your teenage could add a 1,000 extra calories to your daily diet by just eating a few handfuls a day.” -Doctor Sanjay Gupta

Sure candy is bad in large doses, just like having 6 cups of coffee a day probably isn’t all that great for your health either, but many a business man and woman down at least two triple shot espressos a day in order to keep their edge throughout the day. And just like that time you experimented with LSD in college, a few nights of candy goodness will not send you careening to the nearest diabetic facility in need of a steady drip of insulin.

diabetes cat

Candy is a truthful substance, its sugar with no nutritious value what so ever, and its damn good.

It doesn’t pretend to offer up vitamin C or low fat, it just offers a small gateway into heaven for children, and a trip down memory lane for adults. But yet this Halloween, anti candy activists are lashing out with notions of offering up apples and raisins to perspective trick or treaters in their favorite TMNT outfit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Light The Empire State Building

Beyond the obvious point of offering up healthier options to children in an ultimately feeble attempt to get children to eat prunes and bottled water during the biggest sweets day of the year, offering out crappy treats during Halloween is a sure fire way to get some tricks carpeted bombed all over your house for your unwise decision.

toilet paper house and trees

Halloween, like Christmas, and Thanksgiving, is about indulgence. You wouldn’t offer a tofu turkey on Thanksgiving to your family, so why try to peddle your kid organic loll pops and toothbrushes for Halloween?

I say let them have caramel covered apples, let them eat Snickers, Milky way, Hershey’s, Tootsie rolls, and Sour patch kids. They will survive, I promise. They will have fun, I promise. Letting your kids go a bit nuts for a few days out of the year isn’t going to kill them, and it isn’t going to raise the child mortality rate over a 3 day candy binge period.

Feel free to push nothing but fruit and veg to your children after the binge is over if it makes you feel better. Hell, you could even put a padlock on the freezer and banish the brothers of Ben and Jerry for a whole week in an effort to detox your children if it puts your mind at rest, just don’t take away one of the most fun moments a child has.

If you do, you might as well be Hitler.


Just saying.

Keep childhood  alive.


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