Thanksgiving for the Thankless

by Gabriel Hummel on November 16, 2010


Thanksgiving is an amazing time of year. Not much unlike the bulk of the consumerized holidays, it’s a great excuse to get together, share great (or poor) company, and devour mountains of painstakingly prepared meals and desserts.

Or is it?

Recently I made a stop to Whole Paycheck Foods for their annual, “Taste of Thanksgiving” taste-athon, aka let yours truly run amuck and get shit faced on free wine and gobious amounts of free food.


Beyond the myriad of lines in the flagship location, I noticed hordes of people lining up to place copious amounts of orders for these abysmal samplings. Everyone was in the holiday spirit, well except for the part where you cook.

What blew my mind wasn’t the fact that people were ready to procure takeout for the pending holiday festivities, but that they were willing to lay down ridiculous sums of cash for what tasted like the culinary equivalent of a Anthony Bourdrain meal on crystal meth.

The food tasted in the food range of mediocre to Satan’s reincarnation of mashed potatoes. The food was fucking horrible, but yet people lined up around the complex to purchase these offerings for their homes.

“What hell is wrong with these people?” was all that I could think.

Has it been so long for any of us to participate in a home cooked thanksgiving that we order takeaway Whole Foods Turkey for $8 a pound, even when it tastes like dried cat food?

I find it hard to believe that these fine patrons have never had the warmth and comfort of a delicious home cooked meal, I mean I know we are fucking lazy, but we weren’t always ready to order out for mashed potatoes (cream+salt+butter+pepper+potato in 10 minutes = win).


Do we really suck at cooking that much people? Or is laziness really staring us harder in the face than when your brother in law asked you to help him move into his new house?

It has become apparent that one might sooner consider the notion of moving a grand piano into a NYC apartment than take a stab at cooking a memorable meal when there is much free time to be had, so what is one renegade food blogger to do?

Make shit happen.

You read that right, take the reins on your pending Thanksgiving plunders and pledge to call Whole Foods, Central Market, Trader Joes, and shove their precooked turkey right up their pompous asses. You can do this all by your lonesome (though a few extra hands will certainly help to expedite the process).

You have endless resources in front of you, from egullet to Thomas Keller and even some thrown in between, you have the knowledge and ability to develop your own, or carry on a tradition that seems to be on a dying trend. All it takes is one trip to your local grocery store and you’ll be back in business faster than Martha post prison rape.


Before you know it, you’ll be fast tracking great memories and great food faster than a claymation holiday special, and be praising the gods when you have homemade gravy touch your lips. Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

Leave the Holiday takeaway for the suckers


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