Airplane Erotica 101: How to Get Inducted Into the Mile High Club

by Gabriel Hummel on December 10, 2010

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(Special Note: While drafting this article, it started out that I was going to write about the global food crisis, but yet it spawned into this. Goes to show the power of the male intellect)

Many a person have dreamt about having erotic encounters in quaint and ubiquitous locations, no more so than an airplane.

Is it the fear of getting caught?

Does the idea of being miles in the air excite us?

Are we fantasizing about the pending angst that will we spread to everyone else on the plane when they realize that they aren’t getting laid?

Yes

More and more people seem to only consider the notion of achieving this sexual trapeze act, but often fear that if caught they would be branded with a scarlet letter and forced to walk the emergency exit plank into oblivion.

Fear not my porn star in the making; you too can achieve penthouse forum status with the grace of a ballet performer on Viagra.

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1. Dress for success

Skinny jeans and a chastity belt? No

Mini skirt and accessible pants? Yes

The key here is maneuverability, flexibility, and obviously, ease of access. If you don’t have all 3 of things available to you for your mid flight encounter, you are screwing yourself (figuratively obviously). Also, be sure not to break out your  clear stilettos and 70s porn stach’ in hopes of blending in for the public act, you will be asking for people to call you out on your air born copulation.

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2. Time is of the order

Think the best time to run into the bathroom is when you are preparing to take off with a line wrapped around the air bound porta potty? If so you might be in danger of becoming a retard of epic proportions.

Instead, wait until you re mid flight, preferably sometime in the middle, when most passengers are knee deep in Gameboy, internet porn, sleeping, or other various acts of human mundane-ity.

One person should get up and head to the bathroom (predesignated if possible) and the other should follow in toe a few minutes later. Don’t make a scene now, just calmly walk into the restroom as if there wasn’t a person waiting to re-enact air bound coitus sluts part 2. (on a side note, if you are performing this act with a flight attendant, be sure to take advantage of their logistical awareness and have them assist accordingly.

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3. Position it properly

This is where most people falter, if your sexual position knowledge is the equivalent of a Cosmo magazine article, I promise that your efforts will look like a Lifetime movie of the week romance scene.

Instead, be sure to get everyone comfortably situated and don’t go breaking off the sink or sticking feet in deep sea blue toilet water, lest you want to transpire your encounter for the whole crew to gossip about.

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4.       Enjoy the ride

No internet porn imagination required here.

I am sure that there are plenty of other contingencies that could come up during this aerobic erotica, but half the fun of an intimate encounter lies in the spontaneity of it all. March on my aspiring pornographic readers and enjoy the fruits of your labor, by land, sea, and air.

Miles above the rest

Gabriel

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Asian Goddess March 8, 2011 at 3:43 am

I bet you have a huge cock. Can I have it inside me on my next flight?

Reply

Gabriel Hummel March 9, 2011 at 4:27 am

@Asian

Sexual encounters are forwarded to my sexretary for further consideration

Reply

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