What Do You Do When a Restaurant Sucks?

by Gabriel Hummel on December 17, 2010


You’re on a romantic date with your lover, the candles are drawn, the Italian music is playing on Pandora over the speakers and you are eye fucking with your significant other.

Everything is going swimmingly, like a moment graphed from a romantic comedy or a soft-core independent film. Then, without a moment’s notice, disaster strikes.

The chicken cordon bleu that you ordered has arrived and the sauce tastes like a rejected fast food experiment and the Caesar salad that your lover ordered looks like something Oscar the grouch spit up.


What does one do? Do you retaliate by throwing forks into the foreheads of waiters? Run into the kitchen and spray a mist of black pepper into the eyes of the line cooks? Jump behind the bar for vodka and create Molotov cocktails to firebomb the establishment?

molotov cocktail

As much fun as it would be to perform any of the methods of human endangerment, it will likely be frowned upon and you will have to face a large black man named Darius in cell 2-B.

The few times that I have been faced with painfully bad service, I often take the time to

Let management know

Inform the waiter that the food/service/lack of vodka is severely hindering the quality of your meal and that you would like to see the problem resolved (new entrée, different waiter, etc). Typically this will involve some level of management playing the part of, “I will kiss your ass until it is red, my dear patron” and if things have gone particularly awful, you wil usually be gladly comped meals, desserts, and better yet, free booze.

Now don’t think that just because your steak that you ordered medium rare was served a centimeter above bloody that you are entitled to hordes of free shit. That is not how the restaurant business crumbles my friend. Now, if they make mistakes (especially the same ones) more than once, then it would be your place to ask management when the comp train is coming in tonight.

The key to making sure your food, service, experience, pre-colitis engagements go smoothly is to make sure you go to don’t go out of your way to have an evening filled with mounds of mediocrity. This means staying the hell away from the incest breeding grounds that are restaurant chains and seeking out the glory that exists in the local mom and pop establishments.

But even with your ample field research and your internet smart phone, you will be sure to run into improper ___________, so just be sure to take the proper steps before you raise all hell and start acting like a raging bitch.

PS. If they keep fucking up your order, feel free to set fire to the fake plants in the room while procuring at least 2 handles of top shelf liquor.


That is all


{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Katie March 7, 2011 at 8:22 pm

This just might be the funniest, best thing I have ever read in my entire life.


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