East Coast Blizzard Cock Blocks Holiday Travelers

by Gabriel Hummel on December 27, 2010

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Just as sure as frosty the snow man would get irate at you pissing on his lower torso, Mother Nature has decided to incite a plague of winter lockjaw and immobility for the whole eastern side of the US.

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While the National Guard has yet to be called in to prevent travel road rage and put a stop to the pending invasion of Christmas elves with machine guns, there has been enough snow panic to shut down roads, flights, railways, and highways all along that area where everyone talks with a dialect similar to that of a 80 year old crack whore.

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Hilariously, people are being faced with having Christmas dinners and pending NYE after parties at such decedent locations as JFK airport, Greyhound buses, and KFC.

Apparently people are being forced into eating airline peanuts and those $3 containers of Pringles that offer satiation equivalent to that of a bag of baby carrots. I can only imagine the glory that would ensue once the China Woks and Wolfgang Puck Bistros in restaurants run out of food supplies and public transportation terminals become feeding grounds for newly grounded zombies and up and coming necrophiliacs.

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Global warming? Tectonic plates out of alignment? Superman moving the earth for shits and giggles? Who knows and who gives a damn.

I say roll with the punches and raid your local airport’s overprices wine bar and drink cabernet and airline pretzels until you begin convulsing in the corner. Who knows, mabe you will end up joining the almost mile high club with a lonely Christmas traveler?

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Balls deep in coldness

Gabriel

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