Live from CES 2011: The Possessed Kitchen

by Gabriel Hummel on January 7, 2011

future-kitchen

Imagine if your kitchen had a brain, and could stalk your every move, thought, and cravings to make love to the ice box. Fear not, Sears and Kenmore have brought appliances into the digital age with a new range of appliances.

Bringing new meaning to children’s prank calls, a high end fridge will allow its owner to see how often the doors have been opened, adjust the temperature, and make more ice, all from the palm of your hand.

Hell, they are even introducing an oven that will allow its owner to adjust temperature, operate a camera to monitor food, turn it on and off, and connect to the cyberdyne system in order to exterminate all humans.

terminator-2-arnold

I am most fearful of the ability of the appliances that must be in the pipeline for Sears. Perhaps they will open a whole line of conscious kitchen appliances. Yes, I can see it now.

Sears Seriating Knife: Cuts and dices without any hand operation, just don’t put it in the dishwasher or it might cut you

knife-head-block

Kenmore All in one food processor and personal massager: Create delicious smoothies, blitz vegetables and sauces, and achieve a whole new level of kitchen ecstasy all in one easy to us unit.

Magic-Bullet-Blender

Wine opener deluxe by Sears: Tired of trying to properly peel the aluminum from the top of your wine bottles? Fear not, the wine opener deluxe will satisfy all your wine-o evenings by smashing the top of the bottle against the wall with properly positioned wine glasses to pick up at least 68% of the contents, guaranteed!

bottle-smash

Imagine if your computer got hacked and someone took control of your network and everything attached to it. Not only would your radishes go bad, but the attacker could all likely turn all of your appliances against you and commit remote burglary while the food processor has its way with your wife.

I, for one, like to keep my tools and appliances nice and stupid, so that way when kitchens start going for hugs with their owners and crush their bodies, I have a dumbass knife that I can use to defend myself.

Technology is a bitch

Gabriel

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