Get Drunk and Attack Sports Mascots

by Gabriel Hummel on January 20, 2011


Do you enjoy frequenting large sporting events?

Does the idea of a $10 beer while watching your favorite sports star break a sweat get you all hot and bothered?

Are visions of sugarplums and stoner food dancing in your head during the bottom of the ninth?

Congratulations, you are likely in a drunken stupor at your local baseball or football game according to a team of science researchers.

Surprise, surprise, in order to get through the painful boredom that exists in all sporting events, less hockey, copious amounts of alcohol must be consumed in order to stand the non sequester movements of a MLB or NFL game.


Eight percent of all spectators at the events that the research teamed sampled were shown to be over the legal drinking limit. Even more interesting is that while 40% of the people sampled registered some sort of alcohol level in their system, fans under the age of 35 were 9 times more likely to be shit faced, with tailgaters being 14 times more likely than any other drunken idiot in the stadium.

Do you know what this means? That the average NFL stadium has 5,000 fans pouring out of the stadium drunk of their ass trying to hit up a local bar to maintain their buzz, or putting their car on ramming speed for the nearest Taco Bell for a cheesy gordita crunch.


Personally, I found this research to be nostalgic, as anytime I went to a sporting event, NCAA, football, curling, or otherwise, I always made use of a mighty flask and half a fifth of amaretto. Anything less than that meant that I would have to pay attention to what was going on and I would surely succumb to molesting the local cheerleaders or soliciting outlandish public acts of exhibitionism from the attractive fans nearby.


I say, drink on fair sports fanatics, just keep your clothes on and fill your stomach with some greasy fast food.

Naked in the bleachers


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