Take My Girl Scout Cookies From My Cold Dead Fingers

by Gabriel Hummel on January 31, 2011


It’s that time of the year people, the time to be attacked by young girls in uniforms with hopes buying copious amounts of cookies that are guaranteed to ruin your new years resolutions. Damn I love those little bastards.

Yes, Girl Scout cookie season is upon us, and I am like a paraplegic fat kid in candy land. Unfortunately, the number of varieties of Girl Scout cookies has been whittled down to a mere 6 flavors, but there are still thin mints and that’s all that matters in this world.

The new pilot Super Six program that will soon be invading every orifice of your daily life includes: Thin Mints (thank you god), Do-Si-Dos, Trefoils shortbread cookies, Samoas and Tagalongs, and Lemon Chalet Crèmes. All the sugar free bullshit and berry short bread crap has gone the way of candy corn Hershey kisses, never to be seen again.


Apparently the top five varieties that they have make up over 77 percent of their total cookie sales. I know for a fact that at least 40 percent of these sales is yours truly raiding their headquarters in Florida, but I suppose it would be prudent to save some cookies for the rest of you people. Apparently even the official girl scout blog agrees by stating that, “As a fellow Girl Scout and leader for 6 years, I agree with the idea to focus on the strengths of the cookie program. “


I am glad we have the support of such a powerful and influential website in the grand paradigm that is the internet.  I don’t know where or how I would be able to eat 3 boxes of thin mints in one setting without the proper direction of the Girl Scout blog.

With over $714 million in sales, Girl Scout cookies are not some peanuts game left to amateur cookie salesmen, I’m happy to hear that their number one seller will always be close to my side, and staring me in the face of nearly every major supermarket in the country.

Thin minted


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