Basement Dwellers Convene in the Sun: Blizzard Theme Park in China

by Gabriel Hummel on February 23, 2011

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I am going to be completely honest with you all.

I love video games; you can pry my Nintendo controller from my cold hairy palms. I would sooner give up all forms of pornography and relinquish myself only to the warm embrace of a female body than give up the rights to never play Halo again.

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Everyone who is anyone who takes themselves to be a serious video game player has a choice set of game developer companies that give them wet dreams when they go home alone every night. While I might not be sequestered to making sweet love to my body pillow, I do have a handful of companies that get me all hot and bothered.

Blizzard Entertainment has put out some of the most engrossing video games of my entire life. Starcraft, Warcraft, Diablo, World of Warcraft, and Starcraft 2 have all claimed many hours of my existence. It should be as no surprise then that when China decided to create a Blizzard theme park in the Wunjin district that my head would spontaneously combust and dungeon and dragon’s players everywhere would begin to furiously fap away.

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Joyland is the name of this upcoming playground for middle-aged men. Complete with Starcraft themed bumper cars and World of Warcraft terror drops, it sure to please anyone who is afraid to come into direct contact with the sun.

Now we just need to wait for the unveiling in the next few months before we can all link up our computers to the motherland and embark on Blizzard’s crusade to take over the world. Either that or everyone pleasures themselves to night elves.

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Gotta’ love the sex deprived

Gabriel

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