Urban Gardens Promote Salads Beautifully Dressed with Arsenic

by Gabriel Hummel on March 25, 2011


Do you care for a garden?

Do you love the idea of picking a fresh turnip from the ground, wiping it on your shirt, and biting into it with such vigor that the jolly green giant would bring a tear to his eye?

Do you get sexually frustrated when the birds and the bees take aim at your green pastures and ravage them with their beaks and antennae?

Well, here is one more worry to add to your food garden perils, soil researchers are warning that the growing numbers of urban farmers need to test their first to make sure it’s safe.

Their numerous claims cite such cities as Indianapolis where apparently 9 out of every 10 urban gardens contained lead in the soil. Apparently my kindergarten teacher wasn’t just talking smack when she told me not to chew on my pencils during class.


Honestly though, who gives a rats ass?

I am certain that there are copious amounts of bad things floating in and around my body, home, and neighborhood, and while it does indeed suck that these terrible pathogens exist, I would rather eat my tomato from my radiation inducted garden than pick up a picket sign.

Even if that very same tomato is loaded with enough arsenic to kill an elephant, I know that it is going to taste 1000x better than my neighborhood HEB and its poor excuse for a red ball of deliciousness.

Test your soil? If you’re bored sure.

Freak out about things out of your control? Get a fucking life tree hugger.

I think instead of people getting ulcers over the high ph level of their family garden, everyone should pick up a fifth of gin and meet me at the pool with my soda and limes.


Doctor Gabriel says you’ll all be better in the morning, with arsenic and lead being the least of the things on your mind.

Lead free


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